Diamond State Heartbreak

I am relapsing into a dark, dreary mood. The mood that is almost impossible for me to get out of. The mood that all I want to do is pout and stick my middle finger to the world.

I don't associate with people. I don't even think I was built to. Eff my life right now. This has been a horrible end of the year for me and i'm not even preparing for it to get any better.

Cut the Blood Supply, Tie a Lassoo around my Heart

Someone needs to save me from this ominous, sinister mood i've been in. If I get another person ask me if i'm having a bad day, i'm going to punch a train. The answer is YES! I was having a glorious day until you drew a black cloud over my head and let it pour rain from your mouth. God.

School is funny. And by funny I mean, possibly the biggest fails are in my class. What kindof person goes around living and breathing...and NOT knowing who "The Cure" and "David Bowie" are. It fucking disgusts me. I legitemately wanted to stick hair pins in her eyes, and bend her head back until her neck broke.

Whoa.

So, councelling is going well if any one cared to know. The first session went swimmingly well. I was shit nervous for the second session for some reason, but that one ended up swelling my head with confidence. I don't think i'm going to need to go past the 8 sessions, but it would be a good idea just to keep up with it. Chantale is like my lollipop after a doctors appointment, she makes me feel so much better and its like all the bad things that just happened return to zero. However, I found after that last session, the bad thoughts we're returning, much quicker. I'm really really trying, but...there are some things I'd like to have been different by now, and they aren't, things that are completely beyond my control now...and ugh. I just want the air to be cleared and it's hard going in a roundabout way to get your answers. I feel completely short changed and I need some closure to feel better. Will I ever be able to hear the things I need in order to move on? One can only hope.

I also love impromptu blogs.

Also forgot to mention the new layout. It's better than black, IMO.

Anyways, i'm still very upset about how things are. Ergo, I don't think the best way to go about things is getting verbally angry, but I can't keep living like this. Why am I still hung up about all of this? I've been trying to keep my mind busy but it always automatically averts to old and passed memories. Especially how at this time last year, I was a happy bunny. Actually, until 3 weeks ago, I was a happy bunny. I'm tired of waiting for this stupid phone call he promises. I'm not that kind of girl, or at least I don't want to be. Help?

http://www.etsy.com/storque/spotlight/etsy-finds-fascinators-994/

My blog is now set to allow anyone to read. I figured the past is the past and if someone is dedicated enough to read through all these boring posts, then go ahead.

My god, am I in love with the fascinators trend. What else could you instantly add elegance with?

So much to write about (this is a first). So much to put onto ink and paper (or keyboard and megapixel?) I should really be doing my homework though. Bah...

I was upstairs, emersing my hands in dishes when I started thinking about how life sometimes throws curveballs at you. And completely blind side you. And potentially harms you and you sit out for the rest of the inning. Well, I said, life is something like that. It's a metaphor for everything. I've been suffering from heartache for 3 weeks, sometimes in public and sometimes in secret, and then I started thinking, I should really give myself some credit for the efforts i've been ACTUALLY doing, rather than focusing on how much i've been grieving.

Life gives you back what you put into it. Like for example, if you write songs about someone, somewhere down the line, a song will be written about you wether or not you have the knowledge about it. And this is a fantastic thing because the nice thing about it is that whatever positive thougths you're thinking, it will happen and vice versa as well. Now I know this all sounds like a big huge shout out to Oprah and her fucking "The Secret" book (not written by her but heavily endorsed) but believe it or not, I'm starting to think it's no longer a scam. It is written in pretty poor litterature though...ohwell. It's self help and i'm loving it. Strong and Confident Ryse is making a comeback. FULL FORCE!

UGH! WANT WANT WANT!

Mesh, Romanticism, Seams, Black Feathers, Cameos, Black Crows, Patricia Morrisson, Lace, Sisters of Mercy, Damask, Victorian Gothic... This is what I live and breathe nowadays.. I've neglected my little inner Vampira for far too long. It's now back and BIGGER than ever. Now all I have to do is start reading those Twilight books and I'm all set.

Hey, let's recap.

I'm poor.

My mood is darker than the sky at 4 pm.

That's all I wanted to say.

You're indifferent and I can't stop smiling.

I've probably been in one of the best moods i've been in a long time thus far. I don't know what's doing it more for me. I'm not getting the best grades at school (but that's one persons opinion, and to be honest, a whole other Pandora's Box will be opened if I continue on the subject) which is what I was expecting out of myself. Yet i'm proud of the fact that i'm pushing myself so much everyday, getting there on time, not missing school and actually doing my homework.

The only thing i'm getting pumped on for tomorrow is seeing Karlie. The rest can go to the dogs. I'm so nervous, it hurts. And i'm not even doing my final practical exam.

Someone called the school today already looking to book with me. Not bad for 3 weeks.

Well, I feel rather disconnected from everything. I'm always in some sort of transitional period...with everything. Once I start focusing on something, I barely have the brain capacity to remember what I was focusing on before that. I barely know what's good for me anymore. Going out? Working out? Which one will make me feel better? I feel like all my efforts go down the drain. I just want to get through these ten months even if that means that i'm going to be couped up for that long and not catching up on what's playing lately at the Cinematheque or which Live band is playing at Shannon's Pub (ugh) then so be it.

Fuck it. I don't care.

Just when things start to go right, they blow up in your face.

Walking out of the salon, I just felt like no one gave a shit how much work I put into my shifts.

Or how much effort I made into knowing everyone's little quirks.

...Or how I lost one of my good friends in the process...


That one may be my fault.


HUGE PS: I said hi to Against Me today. They were across the street from Mason and I on Albert. No Biggie.

I promise this is the last PS: I hope I can afford a Betsey Johnson item one day. Or just afford for her to come to my house and be my live in designer. Only she can give the allure that being at the Circus is HOT HOT HOT.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tiered.

So because I don't have a car and theres a 78% chance it'll pee from the sky tomorrow and thursday, we can't go to the lake. Greatest and most productive days off ever.

I'll say.


On a better note, I got myself a pair of Oxford heels. And then I got to work and no joke, 6 other people were wearing some. *cry*

Best moment of the day was probably witnessing some girls' heel break off. Way to go, Le Chateau.

Golden Cage

What is up with me lately.

Oh let's see. Yesterday was of shitty quality.
I left all my school papers accidentally at the bus stop, and only realised it after I got off the bus. Mike (thank god) flew out like a superhero to my rescue, only to discover that 50% of my papers were gonezo. Crying incessantly in the Second Cup bathroom was a giant reverse LOL.

Somethings not right in my universe. I'm completely off-balance. I can't smile anymore, I look like shit, and even thinking about it makes me bawl my eyes out. I can't keep blaming the pill because its been almost 2 weeks since i've been on it. Or can I?

Today was of equal shit proportions.
Why couldn't anyone just have told me that I couldn't get a loan unless I had credit or a co-signer, instead of me having to embark on a cross city bus ride, getting there and telling me this while barely being sat down for 5 minutes. I just want to do this myself. I hate the thought of hassling someone for this shit. I JUST WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. Fuck, life.

This city needs less douchy, less gay people. (not the homosexual gay, but I can think of one person at work whom i'd love to tell them to go to hell lately) Hell, this city needs more people in general. Somehow, this has been the summer for swarms of Winnipeggers to say goodbye to their cheap apartments and steady circles of friends in order to trade it in for places with better stores, better nightlife, and better road paving. Not fair. C'mon guys, i'm not in any position to come and visit all of you.

Just got a text. Signing off for now.

PS: IF you still read this.

I've never been known of keeping fashion secrets.

You can get those at the Bay downtown.

It's funny that I can picture what your reaction will be.

"Weird...."

I hate the feeling of having barely any friends.

HAH!

I just saw the pomped security guard from Portage Place wearing Teva sandles and cut off shorts! GROSS.

Couldn't say this didn't all come as a big surprise. Sometimes it isn't always someone's intention for things to happen a certain way, they just do.

Another important point to expound on: why do people become so defensive and rudely attack me with words when all i'm kindly bringing up an issue leaving me feeling with embarassment that I actually took the time to bring it to their attention.

"Well according to "so and so" both of you knew that I wasn't coming anyway so why should I tell you guys if you know everything already"

Whoa? I hadn't been discussed this with? Who the hell told me that she had known this the whole time? I was apparently put into a category that I didn't even think or know I was in. I didn't know this at the time, so why the fucking hostility?

I don't even know what to say but, calm the eff down and that was completely uncalled for. And that goes for alot of people and alot of situations in my life.


Fuck. Drama.

This is why I love my co-workers

Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
it might be a bit, since my tm is bitchin' like crazy...

Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
just an fyi

MARYSE ext 6373 {OTTA/HLFX} says:
cool

Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
yah.. hah the bitchin' is hilarious

MARYSE ext 6373 {OTTA/HLFX} says:
got on the bitchin' bus and didn't ring the bell

Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
awww yeah son!

MARYSE ext 6373 {OTTA/HLFX} says:
ha ha ha

MARYSE ext 6373 {OTTA/HLFX} says:
last stop HELL

Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
dum dum dum
Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
fuck i hate that sea lion bitch

Katie [S.C.U KR3W] -- 623H ext 6260 says:
haha

MARYSE ext 6373 {OTTA/HLFX} says:
hahahazhahahahahahaha

MARYSE ext 6373 {OTTA/HLFX} says:
omg that almost made me spit out my coffee

Jealous?

Flowers, patio furniture, garden knomes and pink flamingos is all I have to say.

!@#$

Bring these to Winnipeg

http://www.tomsshoes.com/productslist.aspx?CategoryID=7&selection=1

TXT OMG NICE BABY

Fabulous, splendid weekend.



Karlie, Ryan and I had a Two Rivz-dancing-mega fun night, omission of the jacket thief. I walked the way home partially enshrouded in my blurry drunken haze and short skirted and t-shirted. Waking up, my lungs felt the cool breeze of the night before but it was well worth it. Loosing my favorite jacket on the other hand, majorly uncool.



Went for breakfast/crosswords and left shortly after to attempt to find myself a hat at the mall. It says alot about me when i'm too hungover to make a decision between two hats that looked comparatively similar. After long debation, I left the mall, hatless. :S



Went to the Lives of Many/Elephant/Shad (skate for cancer) show at the West End where I hung out with 3 lovely ladies. Those girls are always up for spontaneous dance parties in peoples kitchens... which is what I attempted at a couple times at the after party at the Lives of Many house. All I got were a couple of jockey dudes looking perplexed at me while I was trying to breakdance DDD:



Had to leave the party fairly early cause I was working at 6 am the next day. What a bummer. When Mike and I go to Toronto, I know i'll have a blast cause those people were rad. Anyways, Torso [Bertha] was there with her roomate and just sat on the couch all night.



Worked on sunday then very tiredly, went to Mike's chest tattoo appointment. At my arrival, I was immediately greeted by the amicable and hospitable Zion. Also i'd like to point out that Mike laying on a tattoo bed + Motorhead playing above me = sweet sweet heaven.



After that, picked up some pizza and vegged to Seinfeld a bit before heading off to the Forks for the Fireworks, then headed off to the Kings Head for a midnight drink (balls to them now closing at 12:00 on sunday nights).



Monday was spent moping around the house, vaccuming, dusting, doing the dishes and all that boring stuff that comes with being domestic. Went to American Apparel then waited around for Mylene to call me to go out for some JAVA. Finally around 7:30 she came a-rolling round, went to the Fyxx for food and then headed to Bar I for some drinks. I had a dream last night that I opened up a bar called "Bar U". I'm pretty fucking clever in my dreams....or not.



Long weekends are never long enough.













.

Ride dat Ponai

Last night was comprised of

- Karlie singing the chorus to Pony by Ginuwine. And us being in complete and utter disbelief.

- Karlie also singing that other chorus to that other song that we still can't figure out the name.

- "My ass went OFF the chair"

- 3 glasses of wine

- Amanda heckling the TV

Somehow all this seems so petty when you read headlines like these:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24613827


Make peace.

Haha du jour

http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/reviews.cfm/id/1322/page/top____most_ridiculous_black_metal_pics_of_all_time.html

Something is irking me inside.

As generous as I feel and may portray myself on the outside, I feel painfully and uncontrollably selfish on the inside. I do too much for my own greater good. And i'm beginning to lose faith in myself that I can actually stop.

I cannot expound any further on the subject until I discuss this egotistical feeling of mine with some people. Until then, i'll probably feel like shit.

Random Link of the day AND a post!!!

Can you spot the differences?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_(fish)

If you couldn't spot the differences in the first two pictures, one of them was clearly snapped in our city (showcasing one of the most terrible noses in history, next to Cyrano De Bergerac) and one of them was snapped 3000 miles away.

Just goes to show how close L.A. and Winnipeg really are in trends. Also kindof reassures me that we're at least doing something right in this city.

I've come to the conclusion that we're so totally more quirky than L.A. Our parties look funner, end of story.

Pure pointless argument, but i'm bored.

Since I have not updated in a short while, I have comprised a list of items that will help every body tune in to what i've been up to as of late.

What keeps me entertained lately:

Richard Avedon Photography
Carl de Keyver Photography
Cheating on crosswords
Bicycling and just general outdoor excersise
Tetris
Packing (barf)
Generally being a sassy brat


What i'm setting my sights on:

Moving out this weekend
Comfy Beds
Onsite Laundry
Neighbors
Reading "Sex, Drugs, and Coacoa Puffs"
Getting a passport
Trips
School
Haircuts (Need Guinney Pigs plz)
Summer in general


So I finally watched Across the Universe last night. Talk about jumping the bandwagon of shitty musicals. Worst story line ever....oh maybe because it was non-existant? The movies' only saving grace is that hot Liverpoolian actor Jim Sturgess. Other than that, I hate Evan Rachel Wood because she's dating Marilyn Manson.

I need a nap. Blaaah.

WARNING: COOLEST PERSON EVER

I don't even know what to say.

Random Link of the Day 04/04/08

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23934694/?GT1=43001


CRISIS AVERTED!!

Random Link of the Day 21/03/08

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23727914/?GT1=43001





Today's been kindof lulzy.
Listening to alot of Sonic Youth.

...and Aqua. FTL'z


Last night was actually really enjoyable. I really love seeing everyone having fun just like old times. This summer will definitely be FOR THE WIN.


Side note: Remember Boca? Lulzz.

Well.


It's finally time to admit that my spending habits is an addiction. A horrible, over-consuming addiction. I finally realised that I cannot live like this anymore.

All the funds i've guzzled down unecessarily.
All of it i've spent on making myself feel better at life.


Is ending. Now.


With that being said, I am no longer going out. For a month, I am going into hiding. Bye guys.


Also with that being said. I'm going to focus on the free things in life. Hugs, drawing, walks.


I am going to hate this.

Random Link of the Day 19/03/08

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycephaly


Hell yeah monozygotic embryonic disks!

Random link of the day 15/03/08

http://www.nyc-architecture.com/CHE/CHE001-ChelseaHotel.htm

From:
Muse OfMoonlightMadness (moonmadnessmuse@hotmail.com)
Sent:
March 14, 2008 4:42:53 PM
To:
Ryse Massé (heart_shaped_@hotmail.com)
Sorry, there is so much going on right now and i dont have a computer for regular checking. O.kay, i will be auditioning for the Burlesque group at the end of this Month....i havent advertised that yet, so you have an advantage of having lots of time to come up with your own original burlesque act, to a song on cd of your choice. Make it your own and be yourself- or your alter ego burly self, but thats still you! Try to keep it 3 minutes. I want to form the group as soon as possible. I'm already planning a huge Vaudville Burlesque art show at the Gas Station Theatre, it's going to be a fundraiser, so there is a chance we will make little if any profit for ourselves, but i sense its going to be BIG, Freq 107 is considering sponsoring it with on air promotion, im trying to get Jagermeister to sponsor it as well. I'm going to promot the hell out of it... there will also be free wine and food for the audience so that is a huge draw in itself. And i hope some press will come. This will be our big introduction as Winnipegs first professional Burlesque Group. So, we may not make any money, but from a promotional and publicity stand point, its a good first move.I will let you know the date of the audition, i should know within a couple days.Thank you for staying in touch. ~Angela "La Muse"



HA HA HA HA HA HA. REVENGE. I HOPE ITS LIKE ACID IN YOUR EYES. DIE.

What the fuck are you thinking?

k

Random link of the day. 04/03/08

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23458503


Okay, i'm getting a little creeped out that I find this interessting.

Random link of the day. 01/03/08

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/08/22/iraq.boy/


This really sucks.

Hmm...

I think there's hope once more.

There are somethings and some people I will never understand. Albeit, I will try my hardest to, but there comes a point when I've analyzed all possible angles and theories and hypotheses, then sortof just...quit thinking before my brain implodes.

I guess what i'm trying to say here is, that I can't really tap into how a certain persons mind works without asking myself an infinite amount of questions. All those questions really amount up to nothing, and i'm left there without any progress about why a certain person is how they are. Maybe i'm not as observant as I think I am? Or ignorant? Or I have too much on my mind to fully understand? Or do I think that everyone of my friends should be inherently good natured and...stuff.

What I do understand is that people come from all walks of life, and that maybe I shouldn't bring things up that are sensitive subjects to others, whether they be a complete absent-minded comment, or intentional. You never really know what will set others off. Maybe I have a complex in my brain that I think no one will be offended by what I say and that they'll just have to get over it if they are. What it really boils down to is that I don't think before I speak...and it has gotten me into amounts of trouble in the past. No specific example here to be shown, but I can think of a select few that if I could, I would snatch the words and put them back in my mouth. Unfortunately, we don't live in a world where something of that nature is possible.

I am slowly learning to let people know that if they have a problem with something I say, they should speak up at the time. Because, the next day, in a text message, won't solve things. They will only anger me because things could've been dealt with in a different way. I'm notorious for not being able to argue myself out of things very well. Especially when things are dragged on over weeks. Again this is generally speaking, but its good that its now in the open.

Over the past few weeks, i've been doing alot of wondering and thinking about a few situations. I had finally come to a conclusion and a decision, but now i'm not so sure about it. If I hadn't read something a few minutes ago, I would not have gone on this rant. It's not even a rant, its just something I need to get off my chest.

I've decided that whatever happens, I'll be okay with it either way. On the positive side, it'd be rad if it were just like old times, but on the negitive side, if you're happy, then i'm happy. And that just means that I care either way.

I'm never this intentionally vague, but I hope you understand. If not, then communication is key.

I legitemately have a "oh fuck, oh fuck, why the fuck did I do that?" moment...everysingle day of my life.


Please help me stop consuming alcohol.

For Karlie/For boredom

Shake and pop.

Shake and pop.

Shake, shake and pop.

This one's a doozie

Curse you, horrible HORRIBLE day.



I'm eating yogurt with a fork. How much worse can this day get?

I L H

So Mike just called me from work to tell me his dad bought us both tickets to see Tom Petty. The show's in August.


Sweet, maybe? Insane, definitely.

I want a scooter for the summer.

So many times i've gone to update this thing, yet nothing ever seems worth writing down. Really all I want to spend time doing is hanging out with Mike, writing some electro, listening to Joy Division and/or other compelling artists and chilling out inwith my socks on top of my leggings, most of which happens on a daily basis, all of which consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. Kara's getting a microphone with her tax return money and hopefully she'll be importing some sweet music programs that we'll be able to use in a matter of months.

Soo, it looks like i'll be heading down for the yearly Minneapolis trip in 2 weeks. Such short notice, but it's kindof nice that way. I still haven't told my work that I have to take a day off. LOL WUT?

Every body else's blogs are all so cryptic and metaphorical, how come I can't write that way? I've always been so straight forward. I guess that's what makes or breaks a great writer. If i'd have to put a label on my writing, it'd definitely be along the lines of a boring auto-biographist, whilst others would write beautiful poems or popular teen angst novels. Stories that sell, while mine would collect dust on the shelves at the back of the library.

Oh well.

Immature 30 year olds still suck.

Losing friends kindof hurts. What can you do.

Getting drank on the weekend. A must.